Recember

I still remember how it felt twelve months ago. Breathing in the coldness at night, and waiting for an answer from someone who chose the quietest way to turn me down. It was a December bottle with sadness filled up by tons of tear...

This December will be slightly different. =) 

Sweetest Moments

       I just had a sweetest weekend in quite a while. Mr. Special is certainly the best host ever, taking me around in Hong Kong. Memories were made, and abundance of love was given to each other. I never thought I was treated unjustified in my past relationships, but this time really gives me confidence in appreciation and honesty. We never verbally said we loved each other, but we both know how important we are to each other from the inside of hearts. 

Tiny Times

       In this big big world, everybody has his or her own tiny times, surrounded by different people and things and fascinated by the unexpected and dramatic. Tonight, I am sitting in front of my computer doing my "homework" again, while checking Whatsapp constantly to see if it's still working. My mind is already 2000 km away, wandering in one of the bars or restaurants in Hong Kong with my boyfriend, but lines after lines of type-ups are cruelly bringing me back to reality. In this big big world, I am surrounded by office supplies and fascinated by the sweet images with my who-know-where-he-is-now boyfriend. Special thanks to my hormones and brain cells, I can't be happier. #sarcasm

Train Moves Again

       On the day after tomorrow, I will fly back to Chengdu for work. A full week of enjoyment and refreshment certainly have charged my battery of life. It's about time to show Mr. Boss and Mr. Mentor my work of art! 

        Before I leave, I would like to put down a few words for Mr. Fish. Although he never said he would wait until the next time we could meet again, I felt his uneasiness seeing me walking away. The kiss on my forehead was a seal. A seal to close down my jar of regrets. I know he will always be my backup to support me, whenever I fail, whenever I succeed. We both know we have many things to overcome before our relationship moves forward, but I am willing to face those obstacles with Mr. Fish, no matter what outcome we have. Love to me is not how much happiness we enjoy together, but how determined we can be to make things happen. Please have faith in me, Mr. Fish. Kiss.

The Past

      The sixteen-year-old me was certainly a drama queen. Having an 18-year-old boyfriend at the time was considered cool, and willing to die for the so-called love was called bravery. Now I see that stupid. However, I don't think it was necessarily bad, but quite an experience that I could learn from the past. 

       I have changed so much that I don't even see a shadow of the old me. I guess the most unchanged characteristic of me is love to write letters and diaries. I had hid so many letters from everybody in a secret place, and tonight I dug them out for some refreshment. I see myself wasn't looking for comfort or peace in a love relationship at the time, but fireworks that could sparkle the boring entities in my life. I would rather say I was selfishly manipulating. I am glad I have come this far changing and improving. Hehe.

       Mr. F and I are now in a stable friendship that we both appreciate each other's feelings. A good relationship does require efforts. Long distance isn't easy to run, but at least we can try. =)

A Whatever Sunday

*Cough Cough*

It is another usual Sunday with a whole bunch of tourists flushing into the city. My colleagues and I decided to stay indoor to avoid traffic and the crowd. Sadly my throat is so sore, and everything becomes so trivial and unpleasant. Sunday gives me a chance to have some "me" time. Before working full time, I had "me" time whenever I didn't feel like sociable, but now Sunday is my only chance to do something on my own. Calling friends to harass their Sunday lives, lying in bed to pretend time has stopped slipping away, and playing games like I got nothing else important to do... It's a whatever Sunday. I just want to relax. No argument, no incidence. Hopefully no sickness.

Epic Fail

"Yeah, I am being unrealistic liking you so much and chasing you like a bee. I am being crazy falling for a guy like you who is too coward to fall in love with me. Epic fail." - Zixin

If you know women, you should also know career is not the goal of their life, but love is. They need love to continue their pavement and generate energy to keep moving forward. May God assigns me a good man for life. This current one is just wrong. 

 

Short Life, Small World

       Don't be surprised when you bumped into a friend on the other side of world, because you need to believe in God's great plan. Don't be afraid to say bye, because you may see your friends again once you walk around the corner. Please do cherish your friends and the moments with them, because you never know when they will pop up in your face.

        Fidela, it was great seeing you again after a year in a different country, in a different city! *Big hugs*

         

Lost and Found

I lost a dear friend of mine. We were once close friends who shared daily experiences with each other, no matter happy or sad. We were once the Ying and the Yang, the Ping and the Pong. But everything changed since we realized there was more than friendship between us. Maybe we got a chance to start a love relationship, maybe we could have caught the moment before it ran away. We didn't. We chose to break the bond. Now I am all by myself again in the Lost and Found, and he is just another familiar stranger in the world. 

Long Time No See

Hello World,

It's been a while for me to get on here. China blocks most of the foreign websites that provoke anti-censorship. Thanks to Mr. R, I can now update here again. =) 

My life has been fine since I got back to China. My job can be overwhelming and challenging sometimes, but that's the way I like it. I found value in myself when I received my very first paycheck. Please don't make fun of me, I really love doing what I am doing now. I don't know about the future, and I don't care, because I will make my own kind of fortune. 

I have friends on the other side of world looking forward to seeing me again, and new friends that I make and work with in this new city. What else can I ask for? 

Love, 

ZixinCristo

May 12th

       Tomorrow is going to be a big day to me. I will be 6000 miles closer to my dream, but 24-flight-hour far from my friends in the U.S. I promised to attend the convocations for my friends, and sadly, I ate my words. I do apologize for my laziness, impatience, and emotions. I just feel like having a day off away from people and all the strong emotions of mine.
        Siji, Yaya, Ryan L., Ryan G., Newman, Ann, Ebisa, Su's mom, Uncle Peter, Dr. Shehab, Mrs. Jackson, Lisa... Thank you all for your participations in my life in the past years. I hate saying bye, but I really don't know when I am going to see you again. Hope our lives come across in the future.

Midnight Thinking

       A female friend once told me that the girl was mean, selfish, and immature, but then a couple years later, a male friend told me the girl was sweet, friendly, and pure. I never really talked to her personally, so I couldn't judge what she really was, and I had no idea why friends were talking about this particular girl in front of me. Gossips really stirred up my curiosity, and I even did that analysis about this girl in my mind. And interestingly, I am even writing this on my blog. Ha!
       First, two complete different reviews of a person may come from the two different attitudes that the person displays in different conditions. Maybe my female friend saw the immature side of her, and my male friend saw the sweet side because of the way she alters her personalities. There is always something going on between two competitive girls, so who knows if my female friend and the girl hate each other; and you know there could be some sparks between a guy and a girl too, the different kind of sparks.
       Second, the girl may intend to lie about her true personality. Who knows whether she is really immature, or she is really sweet. If a person wants to hide about a fact, anything can be done to cover it up. Of course truth can't be hidden forever, but who will actually detect like a FBI agent to uncover the whole thing? The girl does not murder, and nobody can judge her to jail for anything.
       Third,  people who judge sometimes have their perceptions mixed up with their personal feelings. The girl could be somewhere between immature and pure, but because my female friend dislikes her so much that she thinks the girl is more immature than pure, and my male friend likes her so much that he thinks the girl is more like a sweet person than a mean chick. First impressions do affect what people see in others.
       Last, I think I am over-thinking about this thing. Analyzing someone I don't know at 2 AM seems wasting of time. Oh well, maybe I need some distractions from my own emotions.

My Life Train, Continued

       Woo Woo! My life train horns for the last few moments before departure. I am almost done packing for my trip. All the furnitures are gone, and I am sleeping on the floor with my stuffed animals. I was really happy yesterday hiking on Wichita Mountains in Lawton and eating the heart-melting steak at a cafe. I had a few horrible moments climbing on the rocks in the wild, but everything was worth it after I saw the buffaloes, lizards, cowpat (OMG, but yeah), etc. Nothing can beat the mother nature. 

       All these happy, joyful pieces have been put in a jar. Once in a while, whenever I feel stressed, upset, angry, I will close my eyes and open the jar and sniff the air. The park, the beetles, the trees and flowers, his smile, and my company. I drown in the wonderful past. It's a good way to take a break from reality, and I will feel living in Oklahoma again. 

       Oklahoma fever. 

Countdown: 10 Days

       Wow, I can't believe I am leaving Oklahoma in 10 days! Maybe the next time I am coming back is for vacation or something in many years.
       Many people tell me that I have been so free these days, sleeping in until noon and hanging around. This is not quite true. Having no job or school doesn't mean having no life. Anyway, these days will end soon. I will be working like a typical employee in a big company and doing the typical kind of job. Friends and family warned me that working would be tedious, but I believe I can make the working environment a little more enjoyable. No worries.
        I know I am going to miss here. Oh, the sentimental me.

What If

       If I turned ugly, would you still be madly in love with me?
       If I aged, would you still kiss me on the cheek?
       If I ran away from you, would you catch my arm on time and hold me tight?
       If I got lost, would you keep looking for me until my face reflected in your eyes again?
       If I told you I still loved you, would you tell me you missed me?
       I failed to let go of my last relationship. He is not the best of all, but he stole my heart.

-------- Please allow a drunk person being drunk

Oklahoma

     

       I never noticed the moon in Oklahoma could be so bright and the sun so breathtaking. Oklahoma is not quite a good choice of place for living to many people.

"Tornadoes are coming. Seek shelter in the interior of your home. 
Earthquakes are coming. Avoid the interior of your home. Go outside if possible. 
There's light night outside. Avoid high ground. 
There's a flash flood warning. Avoid low ground.
Hail is present. Avoid open areas. 
Parts of the state have received 5" of rain in the past three hours. 
However, a burn ban is in effect..." 

       Ah, from feeling strange to accepting the fact, to falling in love with this place, I think I am accustomed to the severe weather here. Six years, a quarter of my to date life.
       Winds continue to blow, birds continue to sing.
       Life goes on.

I Will Miss This And That

       I finally gave the final byes to my professors who I have known for almost five years, and one of them is actually retiring this coming May. How interesting it is that someone is stepping out of a business and I am going in. I am so gonna miss the things that I went through here in the past few years. The University of Oklahoma, the College of Engineering, the Department of Industrial Engineering, Class of 2012, Dean's Leadership Program, TRIO Program, International Student Leadership Program, Bizzell Library, Engineering Library, Lloyd Noble Center, etc. Oh tears. I have to come back some time again in my life. >,<

My Life Train

       Life is like a train with multiple stops on the way.
       Twenty-three years ago, I started my train to adventure, to explore, to experience, and to challenge.  Everything went well. People jumped on board, and some dropped out. I may not remember every single piece of events, but they are certainly kept in a safe corner.
       Six years ago, I decided to stop by Oklahoma. People here are very different from the ones at home, but I met a lot of friends. Soaking in an English-only environment, eating steaks and spaghetti for dinner, falling in love with foreigners, and completing education. From forming relationships to heart breaking. From feeling uncomfortable to enjoying satisfaction and achievements. Everything, everyone decorates my train with their color pencils. I occasionally jumped on others' trains to gift as well. Some people have a picture of my smile on their wall, and some have a drop of my tear. I once thought I would park my train here for the rest of my life.
        The next stop is Chengdu, China. It's another place far from home, but closer. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I will collect all my gifts and get ready for the new journey.

New Challenge

       I need to announce that I have accepted an offer in China and will be moving back home soon. It is a great company with things I love, clothing fashion, industrial engineering, great people and working environment, and a bright future. I am thankful finally getting something to satisfy my passion and build up a path to success. I gave up many opportunities and relationships in the past few months since graduation, but everything is paid off and worth it. As Steve Jobs said, keep looking for what you love because working is a large part of life and only good work satisfies your heart.
       I have found my click. What about you?

Remembrance

       At some moments in life, we realize lots of old friends' contacts are lost. People were once so close, chatting days and nights and gossiping hours after hours, but then at some point, they felt apart and stopped talking to each other. We wonder why and seek out reasons. hatred is not always the case, and I am sure most of us are still emotionally linked. Well, physical distance indeed plays a big role.
       I am glad Yaya and I still enjoy each other's company so much, just like time hasn't gone by too far. Laughing at each other's goofy behaviors, discussing each others' boyfriends and exes, and taking funny videos together build up the pieces of our memories. True love of life.

Ms. Ruan

The old friend is now here in Oklahoma visiting me. Period. 

Belief

       Many have asked if I believe in God. I do, indeed. Not because I am looking for a place to go after death, but seeking someone to give me a hand when my weaknesses take over my power. A hand that is physical, or spiritual. Jealousy, cruelty, fear, and selfishness in my psyche are derived from my sins. I admit I am not strong enough to handle them on my own, so I choose to believe in someone I have never met in person. Someone who is believed the smartest, the most powerful, and the perfect God. Atheists say I am stupid and weak; but religious Christians say I need more commitments.
       Usually I do not think of God unless He is needed. I thank Him when I taste sweets, ask Him for help when I get lost, and pray to Him when I see bitterness. Other than that, I try my best to leave Him along with the least amount of trouble. Every time I see deaths of others in my life, I turn to Him ask why people suffer and need to be separated from the loved ones. He did not answer my question. Not deliberately.
       I have too many questions to ask, but I know no one will give me a satisfying answer. Don't even ask why I believe in God with the sparks of rebellion in my heart. It's just the way I do what I do. I choose to close my eyes and let someone else to deal with others' problems.

Adventure

       I thought they were wild dogs, the ones biting strangers to death. But no. They are no harm from a 20-feet distance.      
       For the first time in my life, I saw whitetail deers in the wild myself. They were not as big as I imagined, but as their white tails waving bye to me when they heard my footsteps, I instantly became addicted to watching them hopping in the trees. It's elegant, gentle, beautiful, and fabulous. At the moment when they stopped and turned around looking at me curiously, I fantasized patting them on the head and smoothing their brown, white-dotted fur.
       I enjoy being in the wild, or at least, observing the wild from a safe distance. Special thanks to Ryan L. It was an amazing hiking trip at the Lake Thunderbird. =)

More Reading and Doing

       I have a reason believing the songwriter of Girl On Fire has a big fond of the Hunger Games, or he wouldn't come up with an idea of presenting a brave, strong-willing woman. But if I was wrong in believing, I would suggest the Hunger Games movie include Alicia Keys' song when Katniss dresses in her fire costume. Interesting random thoughts of mine when I let myself dive in the fictional literature. HAHA. 

______________________________________

       I got back from Greensboro, North Carolina on Monday night. It was an exhausting trip for an one-hour interview, but I enjoyed it for having an opportunity to meet with all those talented and experienced people. As far as I know, everything is going well, and I am on the last stage of the hiring process. I couldn't deny I had a few nights of breathtaking and insomnia because of the decisions that might influence my life. You know, I have found my dreams, and I wouldn't like anything stopping me from achieving my goals. 

       I need to let out my sparkles. I want to shine. 

Mirror

       Mr. A sent me a text where I seemed to see another me repeating the very same action to get others' attention. The silly me pretended benevolent and brave letting the past go while putting down the strong words to secure my dignity, saying dramatic things like, "I wish you well in the future," or "I will be happy without you." 

       Psychology has taught me well what those blessings are for - to get the attention of the person who you think is significant in your life. Only two outcomes would happen. One is hearing back from the receiver and may be able to retrieve the relationship; two is no response at all as a sign that the relationship has truly ended. 

       Mr. G didn't reply my strong words. I wasn't willing to accept the truth that he stopped loving me until recently. Interestingly, acting like a cold person, I didn't reply Mr. A's texts, not until he became dramatic and expressed stronger emotions. 

       I said to Mr. G I wanted to be his friend again, simply a normal friend who would just greet from time to time. Honestly speaking, I love him so much that I don't know if I can really be just a friend. I might even bargain to be his friend with benefits after succeeding the first step. Mr. A said to me similar things, and of course, from the same standing point, I didn't believe he just wanted to be my friend, since we were once in love.

       I finally see how I really looked when I tried to beg for a relationship with Mr. G. Without confidence and dignity, I was so annoying and deserved to be ignored. Fortunately, I learned to love and respect myself. 

Food For Thought

      People have been asking what I have been up to after I come to a milestone in life, and my answer is always no more than "I am still waiting." Then they will ask, "waiting for what?" I would say it's a moment when I see my next adventure, or a strong impulse to set myself out like a released arrow. Simply said, I am waiting for my clicks. 

_____________________________________

       Selling and buying are interesting behaviors of our human kind. You never see a cat use something to exchange something else with another cat. They fight and then obtain. On one hand, they get what they deserve; on the other hand, they won't have anything unless they are desperate to fight and to win. Humans use a different exchange system. Less fierce in behavior, and simpler in a way, but it also creates many problems. Things are so easy to get because of money, and people begin to hoard things at home, and maybe don't even cherish. Some people can get really greedy too. They even see the exchange system in a different way and twist reality to cheat or to lie for their own sake. If you ask me which way of obtaining I prefer, I would tell you drawing a way in between is the best. I don’t like fighting but enjoy making efforts to get what I want.  

Fear

       I am afraid of bugs, especially the ones with a body composed of many segments and lots of legs. If you asked me to sit down on a rock where tens of bugs crawling, I would be jumping on the ground trying to get the bugs off my body and screaming like a little girl. Even so, I think I was lucky to have someone by my side to keep bugs off the rock before I sat down and watch out for me. I used up all my capacity to love this person.
       I am also afraid of height. Stairs with grids where people can see through all the way down are my enemies from Heaven. I may not notice the architectural design of the stairs I am walking on at first, but as soon as I realize, my instincts will tell me to grab on something reliable and back up as swift as possible to a safe, concrete surface. I am thankful to have someone willing to offer me his back to rely on and encouraging me to continue my walk.
       But this time is different, I don't have anything to reciprocate.

To You

I wish you knew
       how many nights I stayed up late thinking about you

       how many smiles were put on my face because of you

       and how much I loved you

Zixin

Thank You, Valentine

       It's Valentine's Day. Many people have waited 365 days to celebrate this special moment with their significant halves. Chocolates and flowers could be a traditional choice, or simply a handicraft could show your appreciation to him or her. I am never a big fan of special days, but I believe such days exist for a reason. Maybe it's a time to remind us the dedications that we contribute in the past for each other, or a refreshment to tell us that the uneasiness has passed and a brand new future is waiting ahead.
        Thank you, my previous valentine(s). Although we are no longer together, I wish you happy.

A Book in the Library Chapter 2 Continue

       A book in a library never has the control of where he goes. Mr. Little, Unpopular could only hope nothing catastrophic would happen to him while watching Tommy, the library assistant, rolling the cart with other books toward the office.

       Tommy was new to the job. Without any practical experience, he had hard time looking for jobs in the market after graduating from college. Although he wasn't satisfied with the salary he was making at the library as a new hire, he had no trouble surviving. Sitting in front of Tommy was an average, quiet girl, Rosie. A pair of regular eyeglasses, long, dark hair to the back, and a little bit of shiny Chapstick on the lips made her attractive to Tommy. He couldn't stop peeking at her from time to time. Sometimes she put a slight smile on her face while typing reports, but he could only imagine her thinking of the happy moments in her life and wish he was part of it.
        Like many other shy guys, Tommy didn't have the courage or confidence to tell her how he really felt. They had coffee together for a couple of times and had some basic conversations, but those were not enough to help them move forward. When Tommy was struggling with the ideas of how to get the girl's attention, something suddenly struck his mind like a light bulb connected to electricity. Tommy teared a paper from a notebook and started writing:
        Dear Rosie, 
          I like you. Would you go out with me?
         Tom
       After a second thought, Tommy scratched out his first try and wrote a different one. When he was done, he checked the letter almost a thousand times before he grabbed a book from a cart and carefully slid the letter in between pages.

       Mr. Little, Unpopular fell asleep on the cart after a long waiting, but a sudden pressure by a giant hand woke him up. He didn't like the hand very much because of the sweat, the rough touch, and the uneven, inked paper inserted in him. With great curiosity, Mr. Little, Unpopular sneaked a look at the paper.

       Dear Rosie,     

         I have known you for a while now, and every moment I spend with you, I find something I love about you, your eyes, your smile, your personality, and your laugh. You are a beautiful and amazing person who brightens up my day. I am happy to see you every day when I go to work, and when you are around, my heart beats faster. I had always tried to find the right time to ask you how you felt, so I let this piece of paper to express my feelings. I would love for us to be more than friends if you feel the same way. 

        Tom
       Mr. Little, Unpopular understood the purpose of the letter after reading it and soon felt like a love dove carrying letters between two young lovers. It was a mission of love.

Tuesday Night

       Boston decided to snow again on a fine Tuesday night, and Shiya and I stayed cozy with our drama/movie marathon. The first drama episode was a bad choice. Despite quite a lot of criticism, we did not even drop a tear while the characters cried like a broken shower tap. The Hongkongese movie, My Sassy Hubby, was something different. It spread the concept of love fairly well, and the audiences were soon engaged in emotional reactions. I wish I had the encourage to keep the love by my side like the young wife in the movie. 

       Before we were ready for bed in the morning, Shiya and I decided to make a love song band. She sang, and I played the piano on my phone. Trust me, it didn't end well. Our neighbors complained and security guys came up to knock at our door. It was around   3 AM. I guess that's what friends do together. Wahahahahaha...

An Old Friend

       Shiya is an old friend of mine. I would say she was one of the best friends in my early high school life before I came to the U.S. because of our nearly identical thought processes and life attitudes. I simply can't put away the laughter on my face when I am with her.
       Starting from last Thursday, we spend every day together in Boston with the company of her boyfriend, Liu. To other people, we are just three freaky idiots making loud noises along the roads. We are not to be inappropriate, but to fully engage ourselves in happiness.
       Honestly I think Liu's sense of direction isn't good enough to survive in Boston after we got lost in downtown for quite a few times. I didn't blame him though since Shiya, a completely directionless person, was next to him. Thanks to their nonsense of direction, I am very familiar with the traffic in this big city now. Laugh out loud.
       Things do not always go as planned. Shiya and I planned to visit the Museum of Fine Art and the Museum of Science the other day, but we ended up spending more than two hours in the gift shops and did not even step inside of the museums. Sigh, we are truly idiots.
       I met new friends during my stay in Boston. Despite my disability in understanding accented Mandarin Chinese, I enjoyed the fun time with them. Additionally, special thanks to the Boston Public Library, I found an interesting book, The Memoirs of a Geisha! Life is once again full of adventures. =)

A Book in the Library Chapter 2

       At the moment he put himself back together, Mr. Little, Unpopular realized he was back on the shelf again. The young lady was kind enough to pick him up from the gap between bookshelves, but certainly uninterested in literature. He was broken-hearted while watching her walking towards the magazine section.
       The criticism and insults from peers are the most difficult to bare. It's the life of an unpopular book, trying to enjoy the very last bit of sweet dreams until the bubble is bursted. It was just another sunny day. Librarians were busy as usual putting books back on shelves and helping visitors finding their resources; and kids naughtily rearranged cartoon books as if no one was watching. The only difference was Mr. Little, Unpopular had never been so under the weather. He knew he should not expect anything, even if he received a gentle touch. Nicely said, it is not easy to find a confidant who is willing to read you in depth.
        When Mr. Little, Unpopular sank in deep thought, a giant hand grabbed him off the shelf and lay him on the top of a cart. Mr. Little, Unpopular's emotion went straight from misery to fright. He kept his eyes wide open and searched around for help, but it was no use. Leaving all the giggles and gossips of his peers behind, Mr. Little, Unpopular watched the cart rolling away from the shelf he belonged to, and he had no idea what would happen next.

- I am not turning myself into a full-time writer, but I will keep writing this story and hope you enjoy. Please leave me comments below if you have any suggestions!

A Book in the Library

       He is a little, unpopular fiction book on the public library shelf. You can tell he was once a most check-out book by his worn cover, but the brilliant age of his life had passed. It is a long, quiet waiting for his secret admirers to take him off the shelf and gently hold him in palms.
       When he almost gave up hoping, a young lady stopped in front of the shelf where he was located. Many of other books cheerfully shouted out for attention. Some of them can easily catch people's eye, because of their outstanding cover, or size, but Mr. Little, Unpopular is not anything like that. The books next to him deliberately squeezed him to the back of the shelf. No matter how hard he tried to push himself back to the front, he was not strong enough. As he was approaching the very edge, he felt hopelessness, darkness, and then the gravity that kept him away from being seen. He dropped on the ground and hit the iron bar at the bottom. For the first time in his whole life, he cried. He thought he would never be found again.
       The loud noise that Mr. Little, Unpopular made shocked the young lady. I would say he actually shocked the entire library, but because of his fall, he got the most attentions he could ever have. Long and skinny was her arm, the young lady reached out to him. Once again, he felt the warmth of human hand and the moisture of lotion. He cried even harder, because he was touched.

       Special thanks to the Norman Public Library for providing us opportunities at no cost to gain knowledge in the world of literature and improve skills in this digital century.

Eye

       When I look in the blue eyes, I always find myself lost in a maze. It seems like I am looking for an answer, but I never do. I then let myself sink in the sea of secrets, wonder, and mysteries.
       I have a pair of brown, nearly dark, eyes. Living with these eyes for almost 24 years, I am very used to the color of the world I perceive, but it may be too dark to the blue eyes. Do blue-eye people perceive a different world? Is the world warmer, brighter in the blue eyes? I tried to look into the eyes to find my answer, but they didn't tell me anything.

For Job Seekers

       Receiving phone calls from recruiters is highly expected after you sent out thousands of your resume to different companies. So many that you even forget which company or what position you have applied. When recruiters start shooting emails and dialing your number, you have no concept who you are talking to. It happens to me way too often to be reasonable.
       Pretending you remember or know is not a good solution. Someone once told me that confidence made people believe in whatever you said. That's not true, just because people are not as unintelligent as you think.
       I then thought of a good way to be honest and polite while retrieving the pieces of information needed. Sometimes it is very difficult to identify the company when a recruiter talks too fast or with an accent. You may then ask them to send you an email as an interview confirmation including the time and location of the interview, company background information, and job description. I think the willingness to review and do a thorough research on the company deserves a forgiveness.

A Joke

       I: Hey, I am going to Boston next week.
       Youming: Just touring with a friend?
       I: No. I found an American guy online, and he said he was willing to marry me and offer me a U.S. citizenship. When he dies, I can have millions of his money. So I am getting married in Boston next week.
       Youming: Lol wut?
     
       This is a joke of mine I find really funny. I used to hate any gossip about me trying to hook up with some American people just to get a citizenship and always tried my best to declare my dignity and self-esteem, but I now decide to joke about it. It doesn't matter who people think I am, because I live for myself and the ones who know me. Teehee!

Haydn's Symphony

       An elementary school music teacher played Haydn's symphony No. 94, 'Surprise,' second movement to the class, and one of students instantly fell in love with it. It's been ten years since the last time I heard Haydn's work. 'Surprise' was Haydn's playful idea to keep audiences awake while listening to his concerts. When listening to this symphony, I see a young deer jumping on the rocks and on the grass. Then a lion pops in the picture to surprise the little dear kid, but shows no harm. The deer innocently asks the lion to play hide-and-seek with her. Just a harmless and fairytale-like imagination of mine. =)

Back Then

       While I certainly had seen thousands of Youtube videos, I forgot I actually uploaded one myself. It was back in 2012, me visiting Uncle Peter in San Diego. A tourist kindly offered us help taking pictures of us at a park, but accidentally hit the recording button. So here it is. I smiled widely, happily, freely like a child. Sometimes I really wish things could go back and time could reverse.

Hobby

       At the bus stop, the person in front of me stood patiently waiting. He started with standing still, facing north, but the bus had been late for 10 minutes. He then put out his phone to kill time. You have no idea how phone becomes such a weapon against boredom for decades. The girl in front of him got a phone call in the middle of waiting. She was basically complaining about her boring first week of college to the other side of the phone. I didn't remember I experienced any of her experiences when I went to college, but her mimic of her classmates put a smile on my face. There were two close friends behind me. I knew they were close friends because of the way they talked about an afternoon runner's dog. "Aww, I like that kind of dog, but he walks funny." "He is like, 'I am not running, I am not walking.'"  Sudden giggles of them terminated my interests in listening to their unkind conversations.
       This is one of my hobbies, standing in the middle of the crowd and observing.

Halo By Adornetto

       I spent four hours in the library today reading a book called Halo by Alexandra Adornetto. The author was an eighteen-year-old teen wondering the meaning of love, and she wrote this book showing her obscurity. I wouldn't say her words were beautiful or compliment her creativity, but the story is an addictive poison. It is the same old angel type of story that everybody fancies about, but once you start reading it, you just couldn't stop. It's very similar to the situation where you find yourself couldn't help watching a Korean drama although you already knew the ending. Pathetic, but somehow entertaining for leisure. Peace!

Good Friends

       Is there anyone in your life whom you find you would like to keep a distance from but could not live without? Those people always show up not only at the wrong time but also at the right time. You find them annoying when they talk incessantly and give too much advice like a professor, although you know it's because of good intentions; but you also find them irresistible when your life turns gray and they wipe away your tear and tell you to be strong.
       I call them 'good friends.'

Sunday

       The sun is out for this wonderful Sunday. Laundry, cleaning up my hoard, reading more books, and gym sound like a plan for today. I open the patio door and welcome the wind and sunlight to come in my apartment. 

       I see myself with a bright future, happy enjoying life, and let the past go. Being positive! Special thanks to Ivan and Alex for their advice. 

Tik Tak Tik Tak

       Not sure since when I became so fond of driving around the city and going back to the memorable places. It feels like I see myself knocking at that door, walking in that hallway, and hanging out with those old friends again. Wind is blowing, and time is running away. As the image of myself fades away, I realize it is just a silly, comforting dream. I am no longer knocking at that door because I am not invited to the parties in the house anymore; I am no longer walking in that hallway because no one is waiting for me at the other end; I am no longer hanging out with certain people because...
       Some people once were significant in my life, but sadly, we are out of touch now.
     
       Sorry that my blog entries are bitter these days. I just couldn't help it. I don't know if I could ever go back to the cheerful me after going through so much in relationships. i _ i

Fingers Crossed

       I have been called by many different names. Crystal, Cristo, Cici, Jiksin, Jishin... Some eventually got it right, Zixin (Sisin), but today someone called me Vixen. It could be just a typo, or someone trying to be creative. Sigh, I surrender. Call me whatever you like from now on, as long as I know you are talking to/about me.
       Job hunting goes smoothly these days. I am very satisfied with what I am offered, but the only concern is my EAD card arrival time. Without the work permit, any great offer is meaningless because I am not yet allowed to work in the U.S. Fingers crossed! I can't wait to go to Ohio, or maybe Illinois.

Just An Unusual Day

       Waking up at 6:30 in the morning, I saw the very first sunlight entering my room. A busy day was ahead waiting for me.
       One of the shortcomings of having braces is when you have a cavity between the interface of two front teeth, going in and out on the same day between a dentist's and an orthodontist's is inevitable. I first had my brace wire taken off at the orthodontist's, spent two hours having my filling done at the dentist's, and then went back to the orthodontist's to put new wires back on. Watching Rapunzel while lying on the operation bed certainly made the four hours of torture entertaining.
       Skipping lunch, I went straight to campus to file some paperwork for a potential employment. The company, Mahindra Engineering, requested me to show my diploma when it was not yet ready. I had nothing but a Degree Completion Form to prove I am done with school.  Geez, it was a hassle to obtain that.
       I really wish things would get easier on me as time passes. Being hopeful!
     
       Below is a reminder from Pink, Try, to myself. I gotta get up and try, no matter how many times of failure.

A Facebook Addict

       "友情也好，愛情也罷。你來，我熱情相擁。你走，我坦然放手。只要你不離不棄，哪怕一輩子我也願意奉陪到底。"

       I read this post on Facebook today morning. Although I am not sure who said it, it spoke to my heart. It's for either friendship or love relationship. I am more than welcome when it comes, but happy to let go when it decides to leave. As long as it's not given up, I am not going anywhere without.
       I want to be with someone because of love, but I also stay away for the very same reason. I am not benevolent. I simply know what belongs to me.

Facebook

       Once upon a time, someone unfriended a girl on Facebook. The girl then thought being unfriended was because someone chose not to check on her status updates, not because she was hated. A few days ago, the girl unfriended a boy on Facebook for the very same reason.
       Once upon a time, a boy unfriended someone on Facebook and blocked her visibility to his public profile because he hated her. He used to think maybe open her visibility again would be a good revenge, so that she could see how better off he was, but he did not do that. A few days ago, the boy opened his status updates to public for some unknown reason.
       The girl who unfriended the boy is able to see his updates and profile now. She thought she already forgot about this boy and everything about him, but reading his old status updates and her old posts on his wall, she smiled.
       She still loves him, I think.

Diploma

       I had an interview today at a home construction company. I was pretty happy about what I applied for until the CEO said something striking my mind. "With you degree and grades, you can do much more than what I am asking for." Is that a compliment? Maybe half-half. I have been feeling under the weather because of that.
       Industrial Engineers are capable of doing many things. I am, like many people, fascinated by the fact that how much we can do for the society, but am I really qualified to be a good engineer without having any full-time experience? I doubt.
       Because of my degree, I now carry a lot of expectations. More than $55,000 per year even as an entry level, working in a clean environment, and leading a team to achieve whatever goal... Sometimes I wonder if I really deserve those. A Bachelor degree is great, but a piece of paper indicating my education background is not equal to what I can really do.
        Sorry if I turn some of you down for my low confidence of myself. The truth hurts.

Gym

       Once upon a time, human got tired of outdoor exercise and then invented machines to help them work out. After years of improvement, these artificial physical challenges have become very popular. I am one of the big fans.
       One of the main advantage of the challenges is that you know what is coming up by looking at the monitor. Thirty minutes remaining, you are riding bicycle on a uphill. The machine has to be running at a certain rate, or a warning shows up, which means you have to work hard on this artificial challenge.
        Fifteen minutes remaining, you are half way there. Now you think, "I am tired, should I stop?" You can go play with the running machine for a little bit and then come back to continue on the rest, or maybe a mouth full of fresh water is good enough to recharge your energy. Temptation, temptation...
        Eight minutes remaining, apparently you didn't stop at fifteen minutes because of too much hesitation. Giving up at this point is sort of meaningless. You have been riding the bike for more than twenty minutes, you can totally handle the rest.
        Five minutes remaining, you are exhausted. "Holy molly, I am dying!" You think, "oh well, I can do this!" Disregarding how much you sweat, how bad you smell, how thirsty you are, you keep going because you have a belief.
        One minute remaining, you see hope, future, and happiness. Your head is running a script saying thank you to whoever contribute in your achievement. "I thank my mom and dad giving me a healthy body; I thank my friends being supportive and encouraging; I thank my neighbor's dog not biting my legs off..." Right before this significant moment, everything becomes dramatic.
        Congratulations! You have reached the top of the hill! Tears, sweats, and saliva mix together. You are so happy that it's finally done, and you forget you look supper-dupper ugly right now.
         I looked at myself in the mirror. I laughed. Silly me, I only achieved a fake challenge, not real.