This Saturday

       Mr. Gooby and I went to the museum for our second date today. I would like to say I have learned a lot after going out with this wise man. He had taught me so much about natural science, the city of Choctaw, the state of Oklahoma, and consciousness. Sometimes the questions he brings up are very mentally stimulating, and we usually engage in some great conversations. I enjoy being interested in him and amazed by him.
       I finally watched Matrix, the movie. The context of the movie is really deep and makes us think about our own civilization and self intelligence. Mr. Gooby has so many thoughts about the movie and reality itself. I didn't agree with some of his thoughts, and our day ended in a not-so-perfect way because of the discussion on consciousness, but it did not eliminate his delightfulness. People get into fights with others, and we are one of them. Being not so happy with each other and not agreeable are more realistic anyway. Big smiley!
       P.S. Mr. Gooby, thank you for being in my life and bringing me different emotions that make my life pleasurable.

A Letter That Would Never Go Out

Dearest Friend,

So many things had happened since last month. Earlier in September, we were having fun at the lake with Mr. B's family. Who would believe we ended up not talking to each other in three weeks? I am writing this to let you know that you are always my dearest friend no matter what you decide to do with me, and I hope you would understand me. I know you are mad at me for not being considerate when it comes to love relationships, but please try to finish reading this letter.

As you know, I started hanging out with Ryan soon after school started. At the beginning, I simply enjoyed the pool at his neighborhood. You were right, the way he looked at people made people believed they were the only significant one in his world, but I wasn't interested in him. Most of the time I was the one talking, sharing, and whining. He didn't talk much, and so I thought he didn't find my stories interesting. We kept hanging out at the pool and his apartment almost every other night anyway.

I didn’t find Ryan special until the night I was upset about some words my grandpa told me over the summer. As usual, I was sharing my story with Ryan. I told him that I didn't know if I would remain happy without my grandpa. Maybe Ryan sensed my emotions and started to talk about his grandparents. He said he wasn't familiar with them because two of them died when he was young. I then confessed that the fewer people we started to be close with, the happier and simpler our lives would be. He agreed, and I was shocked to find out someone had such feeling/thought like me. Since then, I started to feel Ryan and I shared many things in common.

Can you believe how difficult to find someone feels the same way like you do? I am very thankful to meet Ryan, get to know him and start liking him. He is someone I have been looking for. Of course I have doubts. Maybe he is not my Mr. Right, maybe we won't have a future, maybe he is not as amazing as I perceive, maybe he doesn't like me as much as he claims, etc. But at this moment, I know I really enjoy being with him. I don't want to let go.

I understand you don't feel comfortable about my relationship with Ryan. He is your age and was your high school friend. If we broke up or ended up hating each other, it would be very awkward for you to pick a side. I thought a lot about what you told me the other day. I think you were right, and so Ryan and I decided to take a step back. Everything seems going back to normal. He and I are still on the stage of getting to know each other, but we can’t go back to normal friends any more. We both like each other, and it takes a lot to forget the feelings for each other, more than we can imagine.

You said I shouldn’t be asking dramatic questions, but I just have a feeling that you don’t want to talk to me or see me ever again. I really hope a dear friend like you could be my close friend for the rest of my life. I cherish our friendship with my heart.

Crystal

Life Goes On

       After going through all the drama from last weekend, I finally moved on. Sometimes I wish I was not so emotional and inferior when suffering from separation anxiety. Oh well, I am alright now. That's all that matters.
       Interesting experiences: our internship boss called us "the girls" instead of "the interns," and my social psychology test contained some trick questions. They were not necessarily bad, but just not expected.
       Sorry that I am not writing enough to entertain my blog audience. When I can't share too much on my blog because of the sensitive individuals, I really feel like I should write a script for "the secret life of Zixin" and publish it in the future when my opinions or thoughts are no longer offending anyone's feelings. It happens to me every time after a while I start a new blog to avoid the sensitive people in my life. Well, I am not giving up this blog this time. I have become stubborn, and I need to be. =)
       Below is a song that I listened this morning. I like it a lot just because I'd walked a thousand miles to see my Mr. someone.

     

It Hurts

       It hurts when you feel your closest friends are alienating you after you start a love relationship. You feel alone without the support of your friends and wonder if the relationship is worth it losing your friends around you. Yes, he is almost four years younger than me, and yes, he was my closest friend's high school friend, and yes, we move faster than anybody could imagine. It is awkward when you think about it deeply, but is it wrong to seek love and to be loved? A close friend told me he didn't feel comfortable talking to a girl with a boyfriend and he didn't have time for me anymore because he needed more personal time to find his love of life. Why? It isn't the first day you starting to find your love, why would it be now when I want to talk to you like before?
       Fung seems like the only one being supportive. He asked me a question, "Since when a relationship becomes a matter of the universe?" Right, who cares if it is awkward for others, and right, who says girls have to be younger than guys in a relationship, and right, nothing matters as long as you two are happy together. It sounds so right to say it out loud, but I don't have my confidence anymore.

Breaking News

So all of a sudden, I am in a serious love relationship. He is a great man with crazy hair and untrimmed beard. We have similar thoughts on many things and both enjoy hiking and mother nature. Why do I like him? Sixth sense. I could be wrong or temporally having illusion of this man, but all these feelings are so unexpectedly strong. Why does he like me? We have things in common, and I am easy on the eyes. Well, I guess neither of us really understands how it happens. But, I know that I am the lucky one.
Many other things did make me hesitate. What if I had to leave Oklahoma after graduation in three months? What if we were both wrong about the relationship thing? What if people thought I wanted to set him up for the citizenship in the US? What if we broke up in a week and stopped talking to each other? I am afraid because I can't face all those problems alone. But well, a typical white guy's answer, "let's see what will happen then."

It's Been A While

So many things to blog, so many words to type. I saved a few drafts before this one, but I eventually decided not to post them. People who have stopped by here told me that this webpage is fun and cute. I know, I always try to keep it as simple as I can. Of course I have things that I don't feel comfortable with and frustrations that get me in trouble, but making audience feel sorry for me isn't my intention.

I finally got my lower braces this week, after six months of orthodontic treatment. My lower teeth are straight, so it won't take much time to align with the upper teeth. Many people came to me for orthodontics advice. Well, to be honest, orthodontics is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I don't feel too much pain with my braces, I have a really good doctor, and my teeth are so much better than ever! But different people face different situations, so don't take my words too seriously or think orthodontics must be the best for you.

Ryan and I hang out almost every other night. I enjoy the time talking to him and exchanging thoughts with him. In a way, we are very similar. Su once told me that I gave her a feeling that I fell in love with Ryan because of the way I talked about him. Really? I don't know. After so many years of trying to define "love," I am now confused. I feel comfortable with the person and want to be around with him. I can talk about anything without feeling awkward or embarrassed in front of the person. Is that what we call "love," or am I just being temporarily attracted? I am tired of defining terms and labeling relationships. I believe when it happens, it will happen. So, no pressure. Smiley!

It's finally Friday!! Go have fun and get some rest. Teehee!

Life with Expected and Unexpected

       Hey, Labor Day! Hey, Lake Eufaula! Oh hey, my Beetle is leaking gas... A fun weekend with Su's family was expected until my Beetle started spreading the smell of gasoline and dripping liquid. Su's dad called a mechanic for me to take a look at it before we departed home; Tommy was nice and soon found out the gas retrieve pipe was cracked; and I was scared and worried for the rest of the weekend (I would probably remain at my highest alert stage until the problem is fixed). There shouldn't be anything to be scared of: Tommy is going to charge me a low price for repair, and Su's parents are going to help me taking care of the other stuff.
       I am thankful to have Su and her family around, but facing an unexpected problem isn't easy for the first time. My parents are freaking 8,000 miles away, and friends should never be expected to be reliable. It's not that no friend of mine is willing to help, but I just don't know who I should or can rely on. Some people are just nice, willing to help without asking for any compensation; some want something as return; some pretend concerned but always run away when things happen; some don't even care. Most of the time, I try my best to solve whatever problems by myself so that no one will turn me down. Su said I should just learn better finding the right friends. Yeah, maybe all I need to do is to increase my standard of friends in terms of capability and kindness, but I would probably become a somewhat user, or dependent, or spoiled, if I did. Plus, sometimes things are just so complicated that not anyone is able to help. Who knows.
       This time I survived with the help of Su and her family. What about next time? And next next time? Am I going to have someone like Su and her family around to give me a hand? I really hope so.