Cats

       People say single women who have reached a certain age have a fond of cats. I don't think I have reached that age, but I do fit in the cat person category.
       Waking up in the afternoon because of coming home late from a get-together in the city, I decided to take a day off from people. It's New Year's Eve, continuing on my apartment cleanup and furniture rearrangement.
        I know I am not alone when receiving New Year blessings. I may not have anyone by my side right now, but watching New Year videos from friends aren't bad as a leisure entertainment.
        Stretching my beck, now back to work!

The Ring

       I found a ring on my desk when I cleaned up my hoard today. It perfectly fits my ring finger, so I thought, why not keep it on? If I have to say the meaning of this ring, it's a reminder that I am not available, to anyone. Sami said it's okay to decide not to have a love relationship now but once it happens, no one can stop. 

       After going through so many relationships and breakups, I am lost again, not sure what love is. I used to think love was an impulsive feeling. It makes your heart beating fast and your mind losing control. I once believed love was a logic as well. You build a  cost-and-benefit diagram or use some sort of analysis to know if you love the person. Maybe I know the love definition, but I cannot yet handle it. Heart beat comes fast and leaves fast. I tried to preserve it in a jar, but jar is made of glass, which can be easily broken once it is dropped on the ground. Critical thinking is a slow process, and many times my conclusion turned out negative. 

       So which way to start love is better? I guess I don't care anymore because I am not available, to anyone. 

Today

        I finally got my butt out of my bed. I am tired of the pathetic me, dying inside out and begging for something doesn't belong to me. Rearranging furnitures at a different angle and sweating out the uselessness can be a new start.
        I apologize for my immature behaviors last night. I am doing great now, lying on my couch, watching Monk. Teehee!

The Reason

        I always went to his apartment without notice. He said it was rude, but I never listened although I promised not to do it again many times. I called him many times per day. He used to hang up when I called, and then texted me back instead. I got mad at him very often because of this and that and forced him to apologize to me. I cry a lot too, for my friends, my family, him and myself. He must be very tired of my tear. He had many shortcomings as well, often being upset at me and leaving me behind.
       But they were not the reason he avoided me. He must have been very hard on himself in the past few weeks. My heart is bleeding, how can I stop my tear?

Pool

       The weather report says today is abundant sunshine, so I decide to come to this old place again to enjoy my little bit of old memories. At this old place, they replaced the outdated pool chairs with new furnitures. Price tags are still clinging at the edge of the new chairs. Here, used to be my favorite place to hang out.
       My last summer was great, meeting different people and falling in love. It seemed perfect for a young adult. I think even if time reversed, I would again make the same choice. No regrets for life, but old has been always replaced with new. That's reality.

Snow Day Thought

       He used to say two people would have compassion for each other if they were in love. I finally get to know him, but never understand. Love is not being blindly tolerant to the other, but to accept from the heart. I can be tolerant, but I am not ready to accept. Tyler said Hawaiians would stack up rocks from big to small to make blessing wishes. I am building one to wish him the best to find a girl who accepts and loves him with her heart, unlike me.
       Special thanks to Ann and Lee. I know you guys love me.

I Am Now Single

Many words, many questions, many answers, and still silence. I couldn't deal with what I was supposed to face, so I deactivated my Facebook. I am sure I will be back when I feel better. Thank you.

Zixin

My Christmas Wish

       When I was watching the drama, In Time With You, I couldn't help assembling myself with the main character. That's the only thing I don't like about those dramas. They always make things somewhat similar to every one of us and make us believe we are the Cinderella. However, one thing in In Time With You interests me.
       To most people, including myself, a strong heart beat is the standard, or reason, to go after someone. But as time passes, things happen and difficulties get in the way, and we start feeling less strong. We soon forget about that one strong heart beat we once experience. Maybe it's become a habit, after over exposure to something impulsive.
       If you are like me, looking for the once heart beat, or like some other people, looking for your first impulsive moment, here is my little advice. It's somewhere in the corner, playing hide-and-seek with you.
     
       It's White Christmas this year. Although weather had gone too crazy and unpredictable lately, snow arrived just in time to meet up with Santa. While many of my friends are posting their lovely pictures of family, gifts and blessings on Facebook, I feel a little dispirited without receiving any gifts. Think about it twice, I never asked for anything. Why would I receive anything? Ha ha.
       As my age increases, I realize the gifts I wish for cannot be given. I wished for toys when I didn't have companies to play with; I wished for lots of lucky money when I had no concept of digits; I now wish for the happiness of my own and my family because nothing else is more important. It is also something that I need to earn by myself.
       Special thanks to one of the most important person in my life. He is always available and be there for me. I feel the warmth from friendship. 郵件寄送中...

Christmas Break

       While most people are going home for Christmas, I am staying in my apartment, alone. It's not that I don't want to see my family and friends back in China, but due to my Visa restrictions and life schedule, I can't. 

       I thank many people for their concern and interest in my Hawaii trip. The trip was moderate. After I survived from food poison, trust me, anything amazing had become not so amazing. The only worthwhile was that I finally had a chance to meet Tyler again after our farewell in Seoul, Korea. He is a native Hawaiian who is very welcoming. He drove me around the Honolulu island and gave me a tour to some of the best beach spots along the shore. What can I ask for more from a friend like that!? 

       Ryan came to my apartment to have dinner with me tonight before he went home for Christmas. For some reason, he told me I should have a hobby. I do have some, but I guess he just never notices. I love blogging. Although I enjoy writing and sharing my stories so much, I reserve some in my privacy and decide what to post and what not to. I love hiking. My life pace has gone too fast that I need to slow down to take a look at the things around me, like moss and lava. Most importantly, I enjoy billiard, the second common between me and Ryan. Because of many reasons, he stopped playing, and I lost a good partner to play with. I didn't stop my hobby, but I need to find another person to challenge. Hmm, I sound disappointed in my boyfriend, don't I? I simply thought he knew what I like. 

        Ryan and I have reached a very calm point that most couples experience. I don't feel butterflies any more, and he seldom laughs. He says we are fine in our relationship, but I think we are just bored of each other. We are TOO fine. Hopefully we would have fireworks again soon. 

        Merry Christmas! =) 

To Ryan

Dearest Ryan,

It is good to be back, seeing your familiar face right after I got off the plane from Hawaii. Sorry for the flight delay. I know you had been waiting.

Did I tell you that I missed you very much when I was in Hawaii? Lying in bed in the hospital didn't reduce my thinking of you. Vomiting made me look pale and unhealthy. I was thankful having my parents by my side, but I greedily wished you were with me when my stomach was torturing me. I simply wanted to hear from you. Phone call, or text.

Love from,
Zixin

Another Offer Another Decision

       I received another job offer today. The job is at Xerox in Yukon, 50 minutes drive from Norman. After considering the wage and work experience that I can, or cannot, earn from this job opportunity, I am thinking not to accept the offer. Uneasiness is actually bothering my mind. Before having any job offer, I lost confidence in my capability and almost gave up on job hunting; but now, after meeting managers from different companies and receiving emails saying they are glad to invite me to join their big families, I become so picky about minimum salary, benefits and job title. I am not a greedy person at all, but peer pressure and self-esteem have made me dream big. Sigh, reality...
       After my trip to Yukon, Mr. Gooby and I had dinner at a Chinese restaurant. We were so hungry that I didn't even want to go back home to change my suit before we ate. Mr. Gooby then decided we should both dress in suits. We looked absurd in the restaurant, but couldn't stop being cute. Business dress attire wasn't a must, but I guess Mr. Gooby has his fantasy on being match-y with his girlfriend. I am glad I call him mine. =P
       Have a good night!

I Miss Him

       While everybody is studying hard for finals, I am pretty much merely waiting for my big day, Graduation Reception. Mr. Gooby would rather use our time together to study, so we would probably not hang out until I get back from Hawaii next Thursday.
        I pictured my dad, my mom, Mr. Gooby and I taking pictures at the Reception, but apparently he could not make it because of a family trip to McAlester. I haven't seen him since last Saturday. My mind is full of him right now, even when I look at my own toy, I assemble his face with the stuffed animal. Sigh, the symptom of missing my boyfriend has infinitely severed. What can I do?!

Nothing Special

       Earlier in the week, I got a great news about me being hired by a company in California; but now, I've decided not to, or I shall say I cannot, take the offer. Long story short, besides the company itself has a shady background, I am not even legal to work before I receive my Authorized Work documents in February. It sucks being an international job seeker. Oh well, I believe everything will work out eventually. =)
       
       Dialogue with Mr. Gooby:
       Me: What would you do if I got lost? Would you keep looking for me?
       Mr. Gooby: I will search you for 30 minutes for the first time.
       Me: Only for 30 minutes!?
       Mr. Gooby: And then cut the time half every next time.
       Me: You are scientifically romantic. (Thank you for loving me.)

Funeral

       Some people warned me not to go to the funeral of my friend because of the overwhelming sadness that I might experience. The mother crashed a few times during the service, and the sister paused her speech many times before she could finish her last word to her beloved brother. They tried their best to survive through this with a few jokes, but behind the giggling and small laughters, their hearts are still bleeding. Sadly, they cannot be helped.
       I have been told that once a person died, he or she would no longer experience emotions and would remain peaceful forever. If so, I am happy for the person because nothing matters anymore. But what about the remained family and friends? Endless sadness and regrets. The sister at the funeral told us how much she loved her brother and regretted being mean and bossy. Nothing can be changed now. They might feel better as time passes, but they have been scarred.
       We never know when we have to leave and go back to wherever. I understand that no one can control one's life, and everyone will become helpless when it comes to death. But is it possible not to have regrets of yours, mine, or theirs? Children, a long-distance phone call to home is good enough to comfort parents' uneasiness; friends, a text message is enough to continue a friendship; significant halves, a kiss is one of the sources of warmth.
       I may have lost a friend, but he is still alive in our memories. As a blogger, I hope you all remain happy and thankful everyday as if we are going to lose everything tomorrow.