Ms. Ruan

The old friend is now here in Oklahoma visiting me. Period. 

Belief

       Many have asked if I believe in God. I do, indeed. Not because I am looking for a place to go after death, but seeking someone to give me a hand when my weaknesses take over my power. A hand that is physical, or spiritual. Jealousy, cruelty, fear, and selfishness in my psyche are derived from my sins. I admit I am not strong enough to handle them on my own, so I choose to believe in someone I have never met in person. Someone who is believed the smartest, the most powerful, and the perfect God. Atheists say I am stupid and weak; but religious Christians say I need more commitments.
       Usually I do not think of God unless He is needed. I thank Him when I taste sweets, ask Him for help when I get lost, and pray to Him when I see bitterness. Other than that, I try my best to leave Him along with the least amount of trouble. Every time I see deaths of others in my life, I turn to Him ask why people suffer and need to be separated from the loved ones. He did not answer my question. Not deliberately.
       I have too many questions to ask, but I know no one will give me a satisfying answer. Don't even ask why I believe in God with the sparks of rebellion in my heart. It's just the way I do what I do. I choose to close my eyes and let someone else to deal with others' problems.

Adventure

       I thought they were wild dogs, the ones biting strangers to death. But no. They are no harm from a 20-feet distance.      
       For the first time in my life, I saw whitetail deers in the wild myself. They were not as big as I imagined, but as their white tails waving bye to me when they heard my footsteps, I instantly became addicted to watching them hopping in the trees. It's elegant, gentle, beautiful, and fabulous. At the moment when they stopped and turned around looking at me curiously, I fantasized patting them on the head and smoothing their brown, white-dotted fur.
       I enjoy being in the wild, or at least, observing the wild from a safe distance. Special thanks to Ryan L. It was an amazing hiking trip at the Lake Thunderbird. =)

More Reading and Doing

       I have a reason believing the songwriter of Girl On Fire has a big fond of the Hunger Games, or he wouldn't come up with an idea of presenting a brave, strong-willing woman. But if I was wrong in believing, I would suggest the Hunger Games movie include Alicia Keys' song when Katniss dresses in her fire costume. Interesting random thoughts of mine when I let myself dive in the fictional literature. HAHA. 

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       I got back from Greensboro, North Carolina on Monday night. It was an exhausting trip for an one-hour interview, but I enjoyed it for having an opportunity to meet with all those talented and experienced people. As far as I know, everything is going well, and I am on the last stage of the hiring process. I couldn't deny I had a few nights of breathtaking and insomnia because of the decisions that might influence my life. You know, I have found my dreams, and I wouldn't like anything stopping me from achieving my goals. 

       I need to let out my sparkles. I want to shine. 

Mirror

       Mr. A sent me a text where I seemed to see another me repeating the very same action to get others' attention. The silly me pretended benevolent and brave letting the past go while putting down the strong words to secure my dignity, saying dramatic things like, "I wish you well in the future," or "I will be happy without you." 

       Psychology has taught me well what those blessings are for - to get the attention of the person who you think is significant in your life. Only two outcomes would happen. One is hearing back from the receiver and may be able to retrieve the relationship; two is no response at all as a sign that the relationship has truly ended. 

       Mr. G didn't reply my strong words. I wasn't willing to accept the truth that he stopped loving me until recently. Interestingly, acting like a cold person, I didn't reply Mr. A's texts, not until he became dramatic and expressed stronger emotions. 

       I said to Mr. G I wanted to be his friend again, simply a normal friend who would just greet from time to time. Honestly speaking, I love him so much that I don't know if I can really be just a friend. I might even bargain to be his friend with benefits after succeeding the first step. Mr. A said to me similar things, and of course, from the same standing point, I didn't believe he just wanted to be my friend, since we were once in love.

       I finally see how I really looked when I tried to beg for a relationship with Mr. G. Without confidence and dignity, I was so annoying and deserved to be ignored. Fortunately, I learned to love and respect myself. 

Food For Thought

      People have been asking what I have been up to after I come to a milestone in life, and my answer is always no more than "I am still waiting." Then they will ask, "waiting for what?" I would say it's a moment when I see my next adventure, or a strong impulse to set myself out like a released arrow. Simply said, I am waiting for my clicks. 

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       Selling and buying are interesting behaviors of our human kind. You never see a cat use something to exchange something else with another cat. They fight and then obtain. On one hand, they get what they deserve; on the other hand, they won't have anything unless they are desperate to fight and to win. Humans use a different exchange system. Less fierce in behavior, and simpler in a way, but it also creates many problems. Things are so easy to get because of money, and people begin to hoard things at home, and maybe don't even cherish. Some people can get really greedy too. They even see the exchange system in a different way and twist reality to cheat or to lie for their own sake. If you ask me which way of obtaining I prefer, I would tell you drawing a way in between is the best. I don’t like fighting but enjoy making efforts to get what I want.  

Fear

       I am afraid of bugs, especially the ones with a body composed of many segments and lots of legs. If you asked me to sit down on a rock where tens of bugs crawling, I would be jumping on the ground trying to get the bugs off my body and screaming like a little girl. Even so, I think I was lucky to have someone by my side to keep bugs off the rock before I sat down and watch out for me. I used up all my capacity to love this person.
       I am also afraid of height. Stairs with grids where people can see through all the way down are my enemies from Heaven. I may not notice the architectural design of the stairs I am walking on at first, but as soon as I realize, my instincts will tell me to grab on something reliable and back up as swift as possible to a safe, concrete surface. I am thankful to have someone willing to offer me his back to rely on and encouraging me to continue my walk.
       But this time is different, I don't have anything to reciprocate.