Ms. Ruan

The old friend is now here in Oklahoma visiting me. Period. 

Belief

       Many have asked if I believe in God. I do, indeed. Not because I am looking for a place to go after death, but seeking someone to give me a hand when my weaknesses take over my power. A hand that is physical, or spiritual. Jealousy, cruelty, fear, and selfishness in my psyche are derived from my sins. I admit I am not strong enough to handle them on my own, so I choose to believe in someone I have never met in person. Someone who is believed the smartest, the most powerful, and the perfect God. Atheists say I am stupid and weak; but religious Christians say I need more commitments.
       Usually I do not think of God unless He is needed. I thank Him when I taste sweets, ask Him for help when I get lost, and pray to Him when I see bitterness. Other than that, I try my best to leave Him along with the least amount of trouble. Every time I see deaths of others in my life, I turn to Him ask why people suffer and need to be separated from the loved ones. He did not answer my question. Not deliberately.
       I have too many questions to ask, but I know no one will give me a satisfying answer. Don't even ask why I believe in God with the sparks of rebellion in my heart. It's just the way I do what I do. I choose to close my eyes and let someone else to deal with others' problems.

Adventure

       I thought they were wild dogs, the ones biting strangers to death. But no. They are no harm from a 20-feet distance.      
       For the first time in my life, I saw whitetail deers in the wild myself. They were not as big as I imagined, but as their white tails waving bye to me when they heard my footsteps, I instantly became addicted to watching them hopping in the trees. It's elegant, gentle, beautiful, and fabulous. At the moment when they stopped and turned around looking at me curiously, I fantasized patting them on the head and smoothing their brown, white-dotted fur.
       I enjoy being in the wild, or at least, observing the wild from a safe distance. Special thanks to Ryan L. It was an amazing hiking trip at the Lake Thunderbird. =)

More Reading and Doing

       I have a reason believing the songwriter of Girl On Fire has a big fond of the Hunger Games, or he wouldn't come up with an idea of presenting a brave, strong-willing woman. But if I was wrong in believing, I would suggest the Hunger Games movie include Alicia Keys' song when Katniss dresses in her fire costume. Interesting random thoughts of mine when I let myself dive in the fictional literature. HAHA. 

______________________________________

       I got back from Greensboro, North Carolina on Monday night. It was an exhausting trip for an one-hour interview, but I enjoyed it for having an opportunity to meet with all those talented and experienced people. As far as I know, everything is going well, and I am on the last stage of the hiring process. I couldn't deny I had a few nights of breathtaking and insomnia because of the decisions that might influence my life. You know, I have found my dreams, and I wouldn't like anything stopping me from achieving my goals. 

       I need to let out my sparkles. I want to shine. 

Mirror

       Mr. A sent me a text where I seemed to see another me repeating the very same action to get others' attention. The silly me pretended benevolent and brave letting the past go while putting down the strong words to secure my dignity, saying dramatic things like, "I wish you well in the future," or "I will be happy without you." 

       Psychology has taught me well what those blessings are for - to get the attention of the person who you think is significant in your life. Only two outcomes would happen. One is hearing back from the receiver and may be able to retrieve the relationship; two is no response at all as a sign that the relationship has truly ended. 

       Mr. G didn't reply my strong words. I wasn't willing to accept the truth that he stopped loving me until recently. Interestingly, acting like a cold person, I didn't reply Mr. A's texts, not until he became dramatic and expressed stronger emotions. 

       I said to Mr. G I wanted to be his friend again, simply a normal friend who would just greet from time to time. Honestly speaking, I love him so much that I don't know if I can really be just a friend. I might even bargain to be his friend with benefits after succeeding the first step. Mr. A said to me similar things, and of course, from the same standing point, I didn't believe he just wanted to be my friend, since we were once in love.

       I finally see how I really looked when I tried to beg for a relationship with Mr. G. Without confidence and dignity, I was so annoying and deserved to be ignored. Fortunately, I learned to love and respect myself.