Cats

       People say single women who have reached a certain age have a fond of cats. I don't think I have reached that age, but I do fit in the cat person category.
       Waking up in the afternoon because of coming home late from a get-together in the city, I decided to take a day off from people. It's New Year's Eve, continuing on my apartment cleanup and furniture rearrangement.
        I know I am not alone when receiving New Year blessings. I may not have anyone by my side right now, but watching New Year videos from friends aren't bad as a leisure entertainment.
        Stretching my beck, now back to work!

The Ring

       I found a ring on my desk when I cleaned up my hoard today. It perfectly fits my ring finger, so I thought, why not keep it on? If I have to say the meaning of this ring, it's a reminder that I am not available, to anyone. Sami said it's okay to decide not to have a love relationship now but once it happens, no one can stop. 

       After going through so many relationships and breakups, I am lost again, not sure what love is. I used to think love was an impulsive feeling. It makes your heart beating fast and your mind losing control. I once believed love was a logic as well. You build a  cost-and-benefit diagram or use some sort of analysis to know if you love the person. Maybe I know the love definition, but I cannot yet handle it. Heart beat comes fast and leaves fast. I tried to preserve it in a jar, but jar is made of glass, which can be easily broken once it is dropped on the ground. Critical thinking is a slow process, and many times my conclusion turned out negative. 

       So which way to start love is better? I guess I don't care anymore because I am not available, to anyone. 

Today

        I finally got my butt out of my bed. I am tired of the pathetic me, dying inside out and begging for something doesn't belong to me. Rearranging furnitures at a different angle and sweating out the uselessness can be a new start.
        I apologize for my immature behaviors last night. I am doing great now, lying on my couch, watching Monk. Teehee!

The Reason

        I always went to his apartment without notice. He said it was rude, but I never listened although I promised not to do it again many times. I called him many times per day. He used to hang up when I called, and then texted me back instead. I got mad at him very often because of this and that and forced him to apologize to me. I cry a lot too, for my friends, my family, him and myself. He must be very tired of my tear. He had many shortcomings as well, often being upset at me and leaving me behind.
       But they were not the reason he avoided me. He must have been very hard on himself in the past few weeks. My heart is bleeding, how can I stop my tear?

Pool

       The weather report says today is abundant sunshine, so I decide to come to this old place again to enjoy my little bit of old memories. At this old place, they replaced the outdated pool chairs with new furnitures. Price tags are still clinging at the edge of the new chairs. Here, used to be my favorite place to hang out.
       My last summer was great, meeting different people and falling in love. It seemed perfect for a young adult. I think even if time reversed, I would again make the same choice. No regrets for life, but old has been always replaced with new. That's reality.

Snow Day Thought

       He used to say two people would have compassion for each other if they were in love. I finally get to know him, but never understand. Love is not being blindly tolerant to the other, but to accept from the heart. I can be tolerant, but I am not ready to accept. Tyler said Hawaiians would stack up rocks from big to small to make blessing wishes. I am building one to wish him the best to find a girl who accepts and loves him with her heart, unlike me.
       Special thanks to Ann and Lee. I know you guys love me.

I Am Now Single

Many words, many questions, many answers, and still silence. I couldn't deal with what I was supposed to face, so I deactivated my Facebook. I am sure I will be back when I feel better. Thank you.

Zixin